Do you think The Apple is amazing? Do you quiver at the very thought of her beauty? There are many that do! If you have something to say about The Apple or something to Ask the Apple, check out the links up above. Look around and find all the answers to your life’s problems! Here’s a li’l bit from the Chapter of Tribute:

Her Waxy Kingdom

Authored by G. Smith

There is the Sun, there is the Moon, there is The Apple. The sun rises and sets, the Moon grows weak and strong, sometimes vanishing, sometimes lighting up the cold night, but The Apple alone remains true, constant, preserved, protected; a wonder for all who would behold her. Still is The Apple as even the Earth moves about Her, promising all who love Her eternal life in her waxy kingdom. Swift is The Apple to protect her Mealy Meat; should an infidel bite her waxy skin, he’d find there the cold steel of the Apple’s love, and her hatred for those who follow false gods.

Verily, though the Sun and Moon did shine, the world was dark all the days till that joyous Holiday where The Apple floated gently off The Tree, saw fit to cover Herself in candy that Her true beauty would not outshine all creation, and appeared to us in a Cafeteria, oh humblest of eateries. We give thanks for Her being, we give praise for Her gifts, and we fear the day when she will break Her candied matrix and show her true light to the world.

Oh People of the Apple, Love is prescribed to you. For to love is the Will of the Apple, and Her Will be done lest She cometh and infest the impure soul with worms. Verily it is written that as the Sun and Moon do rise and set, so will the Apple be forever in our midst. Heed not Her laws and perish. Love not Her Inner Meal and be forgotten in eternity. Believe ye not in Her and woe is to you.

Alright, so I am a bit hung over right now.

Alright, not a bit. A lot.

It feels like there is an old station wagon putting around in my skull and it smells just about as good. Rather then updating you on my status, I’m coping out and posting something from The Book of Apple:

“The Apple lay motionless on the couch. The sun shown upon Her splendid figure, the television glow had her eyes in a gaze. It was Sunday, a day of rest and recovery for The Apple. She was watching the local news. The newscaster, He-With-Shit-Eating-Grin, was reporting about a bit of news from the area. He-With-Shit-Eating-Grin showed a video of what looked like a pie plate moving in the sky from 200 paces. He made the claim that the locals believed this to be an unidentified flying object.

The Apple scoffed. It was a mere speck on the camera lens. A fly. A balloon in an updraft. How could anyone see otherwise? They-Who-Are-So-Common are ridiculous. The news began showing locals who were interviewed, each more and more ignorant about what they had seen. The Apple yelled to the sky ‘It is a mere smudge on the screen! A blur! Why are you so stupid!?’

The Apple watched in disgust as one after the other, the locals displayed their unbound ignorance. The Apple began to ponder. She began thinking of burning skies and piles of bodies. Of rubble and smoke. The She pondered a change of channel. And so The Apple watched Law and Order.” - Book of Apple: Cooling on the Windowsill 13:10

So says The Apple.

I think I may have celebrated Easter a little too much. I’ve never spent a holiday alone in fifteen years. I always had a friend with me; Jack Daniels, Jim Beam, Jose Cuervo, and so on and so forth. The only problem is that my friends there never get me laid. This year wasn’t any different. One of the maids in the Motel 6 was this cute little Spanish woman, but I only saw here briefly when she came to clean up my vomit in the stairwell. Such is life. I am confident that when I find The Apple I will be rewarded. Hopefully I can request both cash and women. You know I wondered what The Book of Apple says about excess?

“There is no such thing as excess.” - Book of Apple: Rules 01:03

Seems easy enough.

A few days after Easter, when I finally awoke from my stupor, I decided it was finally time to get to Millennium Hotel and see if I can find The Apple’s next steps. I used the lobby phone to call up a cab. The cab driver was the silent type, wouldn’t respond to a thing I said to him. I could of told him I was seconds away from giving birth to the next Pope and this guy would just shrugged and asked if I needed any change. Oh well. We spent about a half hour in silence.

We pulled up to the Millennium Hotel. The building was stunning, like a giant doric column you might find holding up the awning of an old Greek temple. I paid my silent cabby and hoped he didn’t mind get a pretty small tip. The knot in my sock is getting a little thin. I really hope The Apple goes and rewards me with cash. And women.

I took a look around in an attempt to survey the area. From where I was standing I could see the St. Louis Arch standing tall in the distance. Now, if I have learned anything about The Apple, it’s that she liked extravagance. No doubt she would want a room on the top floor, overlooking the Arch and the water. Something classy. I’m imagining a large bed with a canopy and duck for dinner.

I’ve got a bit of experience sneaking in buildings. Back in the summer of 2001 I spent an entire two weeks camping out in a movie theater. I just snuck in during the end of Dr. Doolittle 2 and made myself comfortable in the back row, surviving off little more than those night old garbage bags full of popcorn. It’s pretty easy. Just walk yourself around to the back of the building. You can tell when you’re there when there’s no more facade on the building and it’s all spray paint and garbage cans. The kind of area you don’t spend any money on because only the workers look back there. Now find that one door that the smokers go to every 15 minutes. It’ll be the one that’s propped open. Just let yourself in and keep a low profile.

I walked through the door and kept my head low. I passed two people on wait staff, one a women who smelled faintly of watermelon and the other a small Mexican man with a wispy mustache. I told them I was a new hire and I was looking for the locker room. Down the hall, three doors to the left, says “Locker Room” on the door.

I dumped my stuff in to locker 37 and snagged a wait staff uniform after I jimmied open locker 12. It’s a little snug in the crotch, but I won’t need it for long. It’s time to start looking for The Apple. I’ll keep you all updated next week.

The Disciple

Every day my notebook becomes heavier with chicken scratch and every week or so I try to decipher my handwriting and translate it into something legible for the site. Pages and pages of writing all come down to a few paragraphs for a new website entry. I bet none of you care about what I ate on Tuesday or what I thought of the wallpaper at the inn I’m staying at (faded flower print, very tacky). I know what you came to read about and I plan to give you what you want. A few days ago I came across a couple, Jim and Mary. A couple with classic names, I met them off the road outside of Billings. I was peeing in a bush and they came sputtering by in their ‘86 Honda Accord. The car was five shades of gray, which matched nicely with the billow of smoke rising from the engine. I offered to give them a hand with their engine (I’ve worked in a garage in New Salem, ND). Mary seemed a bit nervous around me, so I let her hold my backpack and tried to keep the conversation light. Read more

It’s been about a month or so since I have learned about The Apple. This whole website thing, it’s fairly new to me. I’m back dating a lot of these entires as I transfer them from the journal in my bag to this website. You need to bare with my though, because I am still just learning the ropes. Really, last time I used a computer, it was Windows 95 and I was drawing penises in Paint during typing class. Good times, I must say.

It’s been a long weekend and I’ve been eating dinner food a lot lately, so I have got a pretty bad case of the screamin’ squits, so I’m not doing too much. I figure it’s a good time to become familiar with features on WorshipTheApple.com. Now, up top there, we have some clickables. They do something or another.

First, we’ve got the Chapter of Truths, which is sort of like the 10 Commandments for cool people. Then we have the Chapter of Tribute. Guess we’re still building that one, but it’s going to be a place where people can write in their own tributes to Her Beauty, The Apple. If you wanna send something in, mention it in the comments and we’ll talk. The Chapter of Progression is something the old writer, The Priest, set up. It’s some old messages proclaiming The Apple’s current state.

Last and not at all least, we have the Chapter of Answers and Ask The Apple. This is an honor right here. You can send in your questions and The Apple will answer them, personally, Herself. Does any other Deity do that? They might release a dove or maybe strike some lightning in a timely fashion, but they never just talk to you. You can ask Her anything. Anything you want to know. Well, except for where She is, ‘cuz I can’t seem to find that one out.

Now, let’s end this post with a reading from the Book of Apple, verse 17 of Chapter 4 of Orchards Over. Imagine me as you might a priest, clean shaven, standing at the podium in a fine pressed white robe with my collar holding up my head, ands raised to the Heavens with a chalice of wine in my hands. Actually, scratch that. Imagine my like I am, scruffy, in a wrinkled brown overcoat, on a bar stool, torn up ball cap keeping my head balanced, with my elbows on the counter, glass of beer in my hand.

“(17) The Apple at a table, the centre of the restaurant. All tables were spaced around Her. On Her left side was a man, He-With-Twisted-Locks. On Her right side was another, He-With-Oily-Skin. The meal, delicious, plentiful, with never-ending bread, was finished. He-With-Twisted-Locks imbibed in all the hops he could. (18) He-With-Oily-Skin had eaten enough for a small army. The Apple was satiated. The foodservant brought the bill and set it upon the table, equidistant from the three. He-With-Twisted-Locks reached into his pocket but found naught but sand. (19) He-With-Oily-Skin reached for his wallet but found nigh but aged coupons. They looked to The Apple and she smiled.

(20) She told unto them ‘Do not worry. This time, I shall cover you. Let you know that this is no gift nor is this a loan. I give to you what you shall give to me.’ The Apple left her Gold member Diners Card.

(21) Weeks passed on. He-With-Twisted-Locks traveled with The Apple to many locations. It was a Friday night, the moon shone bright, beaming with pride to light The Apple’s way. He-With-Twisted-Locks joined The Apple for an evening of cinema. (22) As The Apple reached for her wallet at the ticket booth, He-With-Twisted-Locks stopped Her (being very mindful not to dare touch Her) and said to Her most majestic fruit ‘Nay, it is fine. I shall get this one.’ The Apple was pleased.

(23) He-With-Oily-Skin arrived 15 minutes late and interrupted a trailer preview that The Apple was very excited about and then was ignorant enough to ask upon The Apple for a 10-spot for popped corn. The Apple’s annoyance could not be contained. (24) He-With-Oily-Skin was dragged out of the theatre, too scared to scream, and was held under the butter pump until asphyxiated. The Apple returned in time for the opening credits.”

So, there you go kids, don’t be a mooch.

The Disciple

After discovering The Apple, things in my life began to make sense. I remembered this time when I was in grade school. I must of been 11, still in the fifth grade. Jimmy Rocheford kept throwing balls of paper and tacks at me. This went on through our math lesson, through social studies, and a tack scratched me in the eye during geography. I kept telling him to stop it, but whenever I’d get too loud Teacher would just turn around and eye me. So I started defending myself, but I one of the tacks I deflected hit Teacher and caught in her hair. Everyone in the class saw what happened, but not a single kids said a thing. Naturally, she blamed me and I was in line for detention. When I got home I kept telling my dad that it wasn’t my fault. Rather than believing his son at his word, he just belted my ass, and grounded me for a week (on top of the detention, of course). I think this is when I realized that I need to take care of me.

Maybe it wasn’t supposed to be this way? Maybe you could let someone watch your back. In my decade of traveling, I never once did anyone wrong who did me right. Maybe that’s what I need in life, someone to always do me right. I needed some direction, other than the directions on the compass of course. The Apple was something that could give me direction and give me a fighting chance against the Jimmys, Teachers, and beltings of the world. I needed to find Her. Read more

Happy Leap year folks. Now, where was I? Oh yeah, I left home.

Over the years, I’d head to a town, find myself a kind soul, do a couple of oddjobs, stay for a few months, and keep heading west. I had nothing but a backpack, my clothing, and, as dumb as it sounds, my wits. In my bag, all I ever consistently carried was a bottle of Jim Beam, dry socks and underwear, a knife, a couple of pencils, and a notepad (in case inspiration struck). I just kept hopping from town to town, watching people from a very basic level. You see, I never believed in all too much other than that human nature is a very simple thing. Most people are out for themselves, so you gotta be too. If you did anything to help me, you better believe I wouldn’t do a damn thing to betray your trust. But … I’ve done a few things I’m not proud of. Sometimes you need to do anything you can to protect yourself. And sometimes a sandwich tastes better when it’s free.

So, it was a few months ago that I found myself in Seattle. I made friends with a local fisherman and I’ve been working on his boat in return for a place to stay. It’s a small shack off the Seaview Ave. Just go to the shoreline, follow the road (west, of course), look for the seafood restaurant next to the hot dog place, take a right down the open alley in between and that’s where I was. It’s not the roomiest place, but the location is great. It’s only a 35 minute walk away from my favorite dive, the Sloop Tavern.

One evening, I was wasting away whatever little money I had, knocking back some Rainier beers. I had been in the Sloop long enough for the beer to hit my head and hit my bladder. I stumbled to the men’s room when the floor decided that we needed a little eye-to-eye discussion. I went down to the ground with a dull thud. I lift myself up off the ground and I see a small, beat up, leather clad binding. I figure it can’t hurt to have some reading in the bathroom, so I take it into the stall with me. On the cover, written in peeling gold letter was ‘The Book of Apple.’

The leather flaked underneath my fingers as I opened it. I felt a heavy rumble inside me and it wasn’t just the cheap beer moving my bowels. It was something deeper. I just flipped to any old page and began reading.

“(06) So The Apple stepped forward. ‘Speak not to my people in that manner! What is it you hold them for? Let them walk free as you would a wild dog or perhaps a bear!’ The broad man did not listen, but instead twisted his dark, knotty beard. ‘And who are they that you would dare call your people?’ He cried out from his desk.

The Apple spoke with might, ‘The one over there, in the red ball cap, to the left. Why do you have him locked in that cell?’ The broad man looked through his infernal papers, ‘One count of drunken and disorderly behavior.’ The Apple approached he, whose-beard-was-knotted, ‘Oh, yes, that sounds about right. What’s the bail set for?’”- The Book of Apple, Ordinary Orchards 10:06

I had never felt anything quite like that before. The Apple was so… powerful, so commanding, and she took care of her own. I held the book to my chest and I felt as if I had a home again. As I stood up off the can, the book fell to the ground and a small piece of paper slid out. It seems that folded inside the book was a printout of a receipt for the Millennium Hotel in St. Louis.

I guess it was time to head back East for a while. I’m going to find The Apple.

You may call me The Disciple.

You might notice that the last update from The Apple was back in July. You might notice that I am not The Apple. My name is not important. I came across The Apple during my travels. I wish I could say it was while I was traveling the world that I had come across the charred remains of an unfaithful villager and from him I learned of The Apple. Hell, I even wish I could claim that I was using a restroom at a train depo in London and “worshiptheapple” was scribbled on the bathroom stale. But, no, I will tell the truth, which really ain’t so extravagant. I came across the Word of The Apple in a bar.

Before you can understand what brings me to this website, you need to understand who I am. Well, not so much who I am as what makes me who I am. I haven’t been blessed with a permanent address in over a decade. I used to live in Minnesota, in a cute li’l house with a white picket fence. Well, that’s how the fence looked when I was born. By the time I was fifteen, it was missing most of the pickets and it was more of a soggy, gray color. I remember our neighbors used to complain about our fence. I remember that I hated anyone who had such a complete life that an aesthetically displeasing fence was on the top of their priority list.

I lived in the suburbs, but it just wasn’t my kinda place, so I played the “bad boy” routine. I smoked cigarettes I stole from my father, I had a skateboard. Yeah, you had better look out for me, I’m the neighborhood terror. Now, maybe it was a cry for attention. Maybe I just wanted dear old dad to put down the newspaper and come have a smoke with his son, but one day I grabbed a backpack and started hitching down Route 10. I was only going to go for a few days, at least that was the plan.

There was a blizzard. It started as I got about 10 miles away from home. Two feet of snow closed Route 10 for days, so I couldn’t go back. I just figured that if I couldn’t go back, I’d keep going forward then. I don’t know what I was thinking, but I just kept heading West. Next thing I knew, I was in Fargo. I just kept going. Past Bismark, through North Dakota, into Montana. Something compelled me to go and I haven’t been back in 12 years.

So, how did I find myself typing to people on some internet? Well, you might have to check back next week to learn more. It’s getting late.

The Disciple

So Teh APple forth:;

you all think you ahve it made don’t you? you think you do not need me. The ApPple is not here to serve, but I am here to be served. bowdown before me and I will spare you and if you do not i will burn you to the ground. cinder. you are all cinder. i have seen more of the world than any man or beast and i have set forth on the sun and walked around, but my drinks kept bruning up so i came back here and you are all cinder

so spekas nthe APple.